Pondering and cold feet..

It does make you think and ponder about your own life and trials and how you handle them. Some people handle them better than others - I am on the 'not so good' side. I have been overweight since I can remember. There was patches in my life where I was 'thin' and I belived life to be good. But in all honesty, I was young and having a good time but was not healthy at all. Hense, once I started to eat better and stopped the all night - all week party routine, the natural weight came back on. PND has been a struggle for me for the past 9 years; still is - every now and then it flares its little head, but I choose to call it PMT!! But in my heart, I know that it is more than that.

Right now I have a delima - my wedding is in 8 weeks. I have the most coldest feet. My first marriage was built on 'doing the right thing', it ended badly and was really tough. Since the birth of my 2nd child, life has been tough. I always said I would nver re-marry; that then turnd to 'never re-marry whilst fat'..always some excuse. Now 31 kilo lighter, there are no excuses left! I am 8 weeks away from a day in which I am looking forward to but at the same time dreading with all my heart. This is it - cant leave now; cant run away anymore. I did not start this journey to lose weight to get married, to be honest it was the last thing on my mind. Now it is ALL that is on my mind! So therefor my last week has been complete tormoil; I have gained 900g in 10 days, eaten everything - cried a river, yelled my voice box dry - you name it, Ive done it. What thoughts and fears will reaching goal bring me???

But, you are right - I am the ONLY one who can make choices for MY actions! Therefor, when I woke up this morning my choice was to eat better this week, stop the sugar and start and be kind to me.

Saturday...

Weight is up, ttom..yay!! Have you noticed how when you are in the food court at a shopping centre that you look at what other people are eating and then notice the weight they are and then think to yourself - "THATS WHY!!!!" I laugh inside everytime I do that as that used to be us. We used to eat the crap they serve there - and not even second guess it. I hate to admit it, but since losing the weight I have become more judgemental of people - the way they dress, the way the look etc. I know that I am far from perfect; but the reality is I am near on 32 kilo lighter than I was this time last year. I am more confident within myself, happier and even feel like I look good. I still look in the mirror and find bits that I know I am not happy with - but thats life and unfortunetly we cannot change everything can we! We may be super women, but not to that extent!!!

It was funny (had to be there moment), ray got home thurs, I had been to gym so had my new pants on...slightly tight. I faced my back to him and stuck my bum out and said "do you like my butt?" He turned around, looked at me and went "OMG! WHERE DID IT GO?!! honey, youve done it, you have J-Lo's butt!" talk about a good bloke!!!

Big Buzz..

I thought it was about time that I added some new photos. Its amazing how you can change in 10k...lol The skirt I am wearing - I call it my 10K old, not 6 mths old! My face is thinner, i have lost my butt! My god! Who ever thought that I would lose my butt!!! You cant really see it, but the sleaves on my shirt are lose. What will I look like at 75 kilo?

I thought I would do something that I mentioned to do on the boards. I dragged out my old 'fat' skirt and put my 9.5 year old daughter in it with me! As you can see, the stiching on the side seams is coming apart from sitting down with too much flab seaping out! Its amazing what doing something like this can do for your self esteem. We as people, lose sight at times what we are doing or even if we are changing as we dont see it - even when we are looking in the mirror every day. So gone on - drag out a piece of old fat clothes and put it on! Put someone in it if you have someone around!!! Give yourself a buzz!!!

catch up

I really need to get posting more. It is just too long between visits and I feel my blog is as lonely as I am at times. About 2 weeks ago I hit my 30 kilo lost point. It felt great, but at the same time - totaly surreal. I dont remember any more what it was like to weigh 115 kilo!! I am now staring down the barrel at my goal weight - which for me, is only about 8 kilo away! But how do I know tht is where I want to stop? Why not try to get to 69? What a number really! 69.. woohooo. I look at my face in the mirror, the same person is starting back at me in so many ways. I still flounder and dont have the 'will' power that I should! I know that no one is perfect, but at times I seriously feel as though i am just a big hipocruite. This weight should come of my more than it does - but at the same time, you kow what?! I DONT want to follow the plan 100%. I want to be able to have my treats. I want to be able to do things that dont restrict my life - life cheap pizza on a tuesday night. If this is going to be for the rest of my life, then THIS is how I will be able to stay at goal. That is my firm belief!!

Enough negitivity!!! I JOGGED 10mins today! Felt great! Raylene - my sister, is starting the C25K today, so I also jogged with her for her last 4 reps of 60/90's. She said she felt good afterwards. I belive since she has started running, the weight she gained will just fall off her now. Best thing that she can do.

Kids went back to school this week - Miss 5 had her first day on Tuesday at big kids school. She looked so cute in her uniform! Its nice to have them both at the same place for drop offs and pick ups - makes my life easier. They both seem to like their teachers at this stage which is good. We are covering miss 9's books this weekend...yay how fun!!

Wedding plans are coming along nicely - if you want to disregard all the stress it is causing me! All the clothing is settled, now just cake, flowers and gfts - oh plus the dj to be done!

Promise to get a pic up within the next week or so, will have to wait until Ray is home to take it!!