16 Aug 2007

Things are seeming to be back to normal, for now. One day at a time! Like with so many other things. The kids are on the mend after being sick for over 2 weeks. I think though, they may have loveling given me their germs. Dont you love the precious gems!!

Last week was a wonderful weighin - 1.6 lost. Brought me to 92. This week, different story though. Not eating well, too much food, not enough vegs, not enough exercise and the list goes on and on!! I was determined to get to my winter challenge goal of 90, but now that seems a little hard. By my scales, I have gained about half a kilo.. I always gain when Ray is home. Why is that? He is here to help me get to gym and eat well, yet I gain.. Please explain!!!

need to scream.......

I just want to run outside to some deserted park of a forest or something and scream. DI just rang to get his flight details to return this week. I shouldnt have asked what hes been doing - but I did. Hes been going to freinds house, his brothers house, working with his dad, building romote control cars, drinking and drinking and drinking. He had to think about asking me how I was doing. So I told him - Ive been cleaning "oh) ws the response. Ive been moving pavers - again "oh". Getting sick - "but why, its not cold over there".. So I told him to ring qantas and get the flight details himself - why should I?? Why should I STILL be doing things for him when he cant do anything for me?! He always leaves me to handle and fix everything - so, stuff him, he can find out everything he needs himself. Then he asked me if I was going to pick him up from the airport - "no, i'm working" was my response. He then said he will need keys - but he wont, as he doesnt live here anymore. I am just so angry that he always gets what he wants and I seem to always get left behind to fix it up.

So now I have just got myself all upset and want a hug. I dont want to ring my mum as I cant talk to her all the time and I dont want to bother my sister. I try to tell myself not to care - but hey, I do care! I care that I am here looking after our children and house and fixing the pig stye he left me to clean whilst he is relaxing and having fun with his friends!! You know, a friend of mine told me one day; I should say asked me (when I was in the middle of a very nasty violet b/u with my ex) - Are you in love with him, or the thought of him?" Maybe, its the same thing - maybe it has been for the past 6 years; we dont like to be alone, human nature. Last night I actully thought I missed him - neally told him but didnt. Glad I didnt.

I'm just lost. I cant describe it any other way. I'm empty and alone.