Pondering and cold feet..

It does make you think and ponder about your own life and trials and how you handle them. Some people handle them better than others - I am on the 'not so good' side. I have been overweight since I can remember. There was patches in my life where I was 'thin' and I belived life to be good. But in all honesty, I was young and having a good time but was not healthy at all. Hense, once I started to eat better and stopped the all night - all week party routine, the natural weight came back on. PND has been a struggle for me for the past 9 years; still is - every now and then it flares its little head, but I choose to call it PMT!! But in my heart, I know that it is more than that.

Right now I have a delima - my wedding is in 8 weeks. I have the most coldest feet. My first marriage was built on 'doing the right thing', it ended badly and was really tough. Since the birth of my 2nd child, life has been tough. I always said I would nver re-marry; that then turnd to 'never re-marry whilst fat'..always some excuse. Now 31 kilo lighter, there are no excuses left! I am 8 weeks away from a day in which I am looking forward to but at the same time dreading with all my heart. This is it - cant leave now; cant run away anymore. I did not start this journey to lose weight to get married, to be honest it was the last thing on my mind. Now it is ALL that is on my mind! So therefor my last week has been complete tormoil; I have gained 900g in 10 days, eaten everything - cried a river, yelled my voice box dry - you name it, Ive done it. What thoughts and fears will reaching goal bring me???

But, you are right - I am the ONLY one who can make choices for MY actions! Therefor, when I woke up this morning my choice was to eat better this week, stop the sugar and start and be kind to me.