16 Aug 2007

Things are seeming to be back to normal, for now. One day at a time! Like with so many other things. The kids are on the mend after being sick for over 2 weeks. I think though, they may have loveling given me their germs. Dont you love the precious gems!!

Last week was a wonderful weighin - 1.6 lost. Brought me to 92. This week, different story though. Not eating well, too much food, not enough vegs, not enough exercise and the list goes on and on!! I was determined to get to my winter challenge goal of 90, but now that seems a little hard. By my scales, I have gained about half a kilo.. I always gain when Ray is home. Why is that? He is here to help me get to gym and eat well, yet I gain.. Please explain!!!

need to scream.......

I just want to run outside to some deserted park of a forest or something and scream. DI just rang to get his flight details to return this week. I shouldnt have asked what hes been doing - but I did. Hes been going to freinds house, his brothers house, working with his dad, building romote control cars, drinking and drinking and drinking. He had to think about asking me how I was doing. So I told him - Ive been cleaning "oh) ws the response. Ive been moving pavers - again "oh". Getting sick - "but why, its not cold over there".. So I told him to ring qantas and get the flight details himself - why should I?? Why should I STILL be doing things for him when he cant do anything for me?! He always leaves me to handle and fix everything - so, stuff him, he can find out everything he needs himself. Then he asked me if I was going to pick him up from the airport - "no, i'm working" was my response. He then said he will need keys - but he wont, as he doesnt live here anymore. I am just so angry that he always gets what he wants and I seem to always get left behind to fix it up.

So now I have just got myself all upset and want a hug. I dont want to ring my mum as I cant talk to her all the time and I dont want to bother my sister. I try to tell myself not to care - but hey, I do care! I care that I am here looking after our children and house and fixing the pig stye he left me to clean whilst he is relaxing and having fun with his friends!! You know, a friend of mine told me one day; I should say asked me (when I was in the middle of a very nasty violet b/u with my ex) - Are you in love with him, or the thought of him?" Maybe, its the same thing - maybe it has been for the past 6 years; we dont like to be alone, human nature. Last night I actully thought I missed him - neally told him but didnt. Glad I didnt.

I'm just lost. I cant describe it any other way. I'm empty and alone.

Ouchy..

Feeling a bit green today... For the last few days I have had the worst tooth ache! To be honest, it was worse than waiting for the appointment to get my wisdom teeth out, and they HAD to come out as they were all yucky.. Anyways, I was thinking, my top left hand side teeth were moving as the wisdom are now gone, the problem is my eye tooth was hitting my very front tooth and had no where to go!! So here I was popping every pain killer under the sun every 1 hour or so.. soo not good for the body and all, and nothing would stop the pain! Finally got into a dentist on Sat morning. And as I could have told him, there was no holes or anything up there to cause the pain.. so what was it? Where they moving with no where to go?? A couple of xrays later, bring on the needle! Was shaking and all. you have no idea how much I hate the dentist!! Anyways, turns out that I had the start of an ulcer or something UP in the root area of my eye tooth!!! He had to drill a massive hole, dig it out with the huge needle thing and boy did it smell!! It was all infected. Apparently it was caused through my tooth being hit by something or it moving too quickly. Never trust my dreams again - mind you, this time the one about all my front teeth falling out was right in both departments! Soo, I'm on pain meds, go back on Monday next week to get the gauze thingee taken out and the hole patched up and hopefully the dentist saved my tooth. He may have to take it out after all this - which is bad as it is a front one!

Food wise, as you can imagine - anything soft. From ice cream, to mashed up veggies; I'm eating slightly like a baby.. yummy.. Scales were nice last week - a loss of 400grams which brings me UNDER 95!!! I am 94.7 YAY!! Am happy about that one. Downward scales heading towards the 80's and I can see that lovely number in sight. Cant wait, have been focused enough to do extra cardio in the gym whilst on my weights days and plus am back walking with Raylene. I'm determined to hit my 90 mark come the end of winter, which is still realistic if not easy as we are about 5-6 weeks away..

Miss 8 will be Miss 9 next Friday. Nothing big planned, bbq maybe and that's also to welcome the new concrete under the new patio roof!Now just need to sought the gardens and nicky pots and we done.

July..

18 Days till my Miss 8 becomes Miss 9! Gees how time does fly! Not always when you are having fun as they say either. It has been a hard 12 plus months with her, but I do have days where I think we may be getting somewhere! So, have no idea what we will do, something small and for the family only I think. She doesnt really have any great friends here, so I'm not sure if she will want to do anything. PLus it all depends on if Ray is working as well. It will take us a little while to catch up after him having most likely a month off work!

Today is awful. Not the day, outside it is how it should be in June July here. Sunny and warm. Inside- cool and cold, needing a blanket. I have no energy. I havent done for a week or so, just ran dry. Is annoying as I needed to keep my numbers heading downwards as there is now only 2 months till the end of winter and I would love to be knocking doors on the 80's. TTOM doesnt help either though. All I want to do is sleep and eat. Went outside, cut a few dead roses off, took clothes off the line, watered some plants and that was it. Enough. Started well with the eating - scrambled eggs with mushroom, onion and ham on wholegrain toast - followed by Rays pancakes and little cakes! ARG!! Hate it when I do that! Havent got to the gym for 3 days or even a walk, so even the exercise is lacking! So with the excess fluid and no gym work, I am not expecting a nice number this week. To be honest, I'd be happy to stay the same!

Went to the Townsville show. Was good, the girls liked it. We took them on as many rides and games as we could. These things are just so expensive! They seems to enjoy the showbags they got and the prizes they won. We were there for around 5 hours and poor Miss 4 couldnt keep her little eyes open by the end, she fell asleep on the walk back to the car. Made sure we had lunch before we left so we didnt have to spend money on food.. As you can see by the balloons, we ended up with 10! I just kept telling Miss 8 to keep getting them; they were free!!! So the boot was full and the girls thought it was great! I missed having the big balloons with all the teddys and stuff in them though, that was a shame as I would have liked to have got one for them. Maccas for dinner on the way home, I was not cooking after a day like that!

The big 20..

Oh to be able to say that and be talking about my age and not my weight loss.. 20.2 gone! Forever! I mean it this time, no going back, I hate looking the way I did and thinking that I looked okay - but in reality didn't! I hated sitting on the couch and having my legs spreading so much that they don't fit in a outdoor chair! I can do that now... sit in an outdoor chair and have room! I don't get up and have the marks of the chair digging in to my legs! Oh it feels soooo good! Still along way to go, about 20 something more, but the next thing for me is 15k with WW..

This month, was a good month. I changed to core and have not had a gain all month! Yes, I many have only had a .1 loss last week, but that was coming off a 1.7 and a .8 - cant expect big numbers all the time. And lets face it, .5 is a healthy amount to lose. So I'm happy with that.

I eat different, I work out different - I push myself to work harder. I never used to, I was to lazy to do anything for myself and then wonder why I was fat!? How do we get in our heads that we are not? I must admit, I did not own a mirror that was full length in my house. I soo want to now! I want to go out and party hard like when I was 20! Okay. I was most likely another 10 kilo lighter, but still - I used to dance all night and not get exhausted!

I'm happy! Can you tell! I cant wait to tell everyone that I finally have hit the 20 mark! Its been so long coming... I did it - that's 20 less that I have to lose! Bring it on!

brrr..

Its another cold miserable day in sunny Nth Qld... This week we had our lowest ever daytime temp - 13.4.. brrr, froze me tits off! A least the rain is good, cleaning everything and making it all green again.



Ray is still home, he has an interview with Orica the week school goes back. He would like to get that job, as it will let him "blow shit up".. Men and their weird ideas of fun! Hes been pretty good with the food side of things, and that reminds me I should really do some cooking for the week or I will blow out!



Mum ended up in hospital this week, kidney stones. She was only in for the morning, but it was a big drama as she never told anyone. Dad rang me from Mackay in a panic wanting to know what was going on! I didnt even know! Everything turned out fine and she was home after lunch.



Emotional wise this week has been pretty blasay. Not much screaming, not much of anything really . Nice and quiet. I am getting used to Ray being home and wouldnt mind it staying like that... but I know it wont as he like being away and having two differnt lives Im sure.

Hump day

Its hump day. A huge loss this week - .1 could have been worse, my sister was walking behind me as we walked into the weightwatchers room and picked it up as I walked through the doors.. :)

DH is still home, not sure when he is going back to work. He has put his paper work in for Lake Lindsay, I guess we are just waiting on a date. I like having him home - just he brings all the naughty foods into the house and I eat them! So, true to form, they here - I eat them, I have a bad loss or gain.. This week !! Told him NO MORE JUNK IN THE HOUSE!! Its my frankenstien foods... expecially chocolate... last nights effort - 4 squares of white followed by a whole flake bar. Real great Kel! Right before a WI too,, knew what I was doing - BUT just had to eat it! Felt shit afterwards too, but - lets do better this week.

My knee is still playing up, taking it easy and trying a few different things to see if I can push it without hurting myself.

Slighly annoyed; tried to get miss 8 - neally 9 - into see a child shrink.. like a matter of urgency as I am about to lose my mind.. July 26,, thats the first appointment I can get her into see someone. Obviuosly they didnt understand when I said that Olga wanted her in quickly to see someone. Here is a child that is so angry that he only voice level is SCREAMing at someone with complete annoyance in her voice. How can I help her? I dont have the skills to help myself at the best of time let alone a 9 year old that is desperate... The way our health system is with our kids is barbaric to say the least. Unless you are completly disabled then you dont count. You are not important enough to fix and you and your family is left to fight your way through the under knowlegle school system and health system. She is under the care of a specialist from Brisbane whom she sees every 6 months, how can that help and treat her?? All he wants is a speechy and medication - no other offer of help or ideas in how I can improve her life! Does he not understand that this here and now will effect the rest of her life? So for now I have to try and deal with the tears and screaming matches until she is able to see someone... on July 26th..